The (Mis)Adventures of Matt Lyon

So I just got back from a tour with the theatre. We were in Eastern Moravia for 3 days. About a Kilometer from both Poland and Slovakia. One of the jokes in my play is me making fun of Slovakian-made gun. Needless to say, it didn't go over well with em. Most of them are dirty Slovaks. Plus shame on me for resorting to cheap ethnic stereotypes to get a quick laugh from a bunch of 12 yr olds. Im going to Hell. Or Hades. Or maybe Gehenna or even Naraka. Nah, I'll probably just enter some kind of collective unconscious, waiting for the conscious ones to make up their minds. Either way, my ethics have been lowered. Other than that little flub, things went well and I spent my afternoons touring the rolling hills and vineyards of the Moravian countryside.

I've been homeless in Prague since I returned from Summer Camp at the end of August. Been too busy to really look. Plus, all the places I've looked have either been too expensive or had girls living there. I consulted my handy-dandy Southern Baptist Bible and it says that if I "layeth with an unwed woman, thou [I] shalt reap the flames of eternal damnation." That didn't sound too good. And I think 'layeth' applies to the same building, so I better stay away. But the same book also I talks about layething with men. So maybe I should just get a dog? But then I read some more and it mentions animals too! Wow, that Yahweh sure is picky about roommates. He sure wasn't considering the financial implications of his rules, am I right?

Also, Monday was the 5th anniversary of September 11th. Don't get me wrong but isn't every day an anniversary of another date? Is that the best name we can give this thing? I mean, aren't we the kings of marketing? Shouldn't the Department of Propaganda come up with something a little more catchy? Something like Rescue: 9/11? They could have William Shatner do the voice-over. His rendition of "Rocketman" would work quite nicely, I think. Or how about Paris Hilton standing in front of the flaming Towers, saying "That's Hot!" Get it? Oh man, they'd sell a million Nokia Sidekicks (or whatever that despicable Spawn of Satan is putting down her cum gullet that day.) Or maybe just nice and simple and direct: "Bush's Excuse for The War Machine". Me, Cynical?

I actually tried not to think about anything on Monday. I tried to avoid the whole idea. But when I got home, Cesky Televize was playing Fahrenheit 9/11 nationwide. Im kinda curious if other countries did the same thing. Anyways, it was the first time I saw it, and its definitely propaganda and goes on needless tangents. "Who the fuck cares if lighters are allowed on airplanes?" But some of the footage and facts really make me sick. Of course, he did leave out the Monica Lewinsky connection, when Clinton, in a wag-the-dog move, bombed bin Laden in order to divert attention from the scandal.

Ok I think I've said enough to make you think I'm a nut.

Here's a little MySpace poster that gave me a little giggle. Enjoy.

My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me.
It was her beautiful younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was braless. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a pleasant view of her private parts. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day "little" sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.

Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me." I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled off her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door.

I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.

Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping! With tears in his eyes, my future father-in-law hugged me and said, We are very happy that you have passed our little test.....we couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."

And the moral of this story is.....






Always keep your condoms in your car."