Tuesday, January 26, 2010
Chiang Mai
So after the overnight train to Chiang Mai, we checked into our swank $10/night hotel with AC, hot water, and BBC and CNN Intl. Just in time for nonstop coverage of the 20th anniversary of the Berlin Wall coming down and....wait for it...domestic terrorism! Hurray! Ugh, what I nightmare in Ft Hood, eh?
Anyway, we decided to go north to Chiang at the time we did to participate in the Loi Krathong Festival. The quick rundown of the festival is: We all have bad emotions that manifest themselves inside of us as demons. These demons need to be let out, but only inspecific ways or else it will be bad for us and everybody else. (See:Sarah Palin) Apparently demons abhor pretty flowers wrapped in incensed banana leaves. Can't stand em. Hate them so much, in fact,that when one lets one of these silver bullets go in the river, the demons fly out of you with such abandon that you enter a state of purifying bliss. And you get to clog up the river with banana leaves at the same time! Win, Win!
Chiang Mai's festival is also famous for releasing wire-framed cylindrical paper lamps. Its simple: Take a kerosene coil, attach it to aforementioned lamp. Light the coil, wait for the noxious gas to build up inside the lamp until it becomes airborne, and Poof! You've got a beautiful, glowing, flying environmental hazard! How magical! But wait, where does that fireball land? Not here, you say? Goodenough for me!
Oh I wish we could do this five nights in a row, and throw in fireworks for good measure? Wait, you've not only got fireworks, but noisemakers? Ok, I've 'heard' those dinky things they sell in the States called 'noisemakers'. I want real, loud, "I think the hotel's been bombed at 4 am" noisemakers. You've got those too? Great, I'll take a gross. But wait one more goddamned second, surely there have to be legal restrictions. Noise ordinances, disturbing the peace, etc.
Oh, they've been lifted for the festival, and the boys in blue have been seen setting off fireworks on duty? Bingo Bango Bongo I love this town.
I'm really not that cynical about the Loi Krathong Festival. It was magical and romantic for Meghan and I. We had a blast. However, we did run into a landed lamp about 50Km away on our elephant trek a few days later. No doubt there were a few animal casualties caused by all of that magic.
Meghan got a head cold after about 5 days in Chiang Mai, so we had to postpone our trip to the Buddhist farm. So, with Meghan tucked into bed watching a dubbed 17 Again, I went off looking for some trouble. Look no further than the moped rental agency, young man. I'd never ridden a moped or motorbike in real life, but kicked butt in MotoCross on Nintendo, and that chick from Miami was always riding that thing all over campus in college. How hard could it be? I'd soon find out. It went something like this:
Me: How much for a moto for the day?
Lady: 100 Baht (3 bucks)
Me: OK
Lady: You ride before?
Me: Never.
Lady: Here go (revs throttle)
Here stop (squeezes brake)
Here start (points to key)
OK bye bye
And off I go onto the busiest street in the city. By busy, I mean no traffic lights, no stop signs, no land dividers, cars, trucks, buses, tuk tuks (big motorized tricycles with seats on the back two wheels),motos, and pedestrians and vying for about 2 lanes worth of space. But hey, at least its a boulevard.
OK, OK, I can do this. I drive my 50cc a few blocks, holding my sliver of the road, getting dirty looks from tuk tuks and getting passed by small children on more powerful engines, but hey, I'm really doin' it! OK OK but don't get too over-confident, Matt. Let's try to take some turns at an intersection. So I pull off on a side street and arrive at a 4-way stop.
OK, right turn. Easy enough.
As I make the turn I actually have a detached view of my synapses arguing:
Old, seasoned authoritative driving synapses: Right turn into right lane.
New, pip squeek Thai driving synapses: No, left lane in Thailand, dummy!
Old, seasoned authoritative driving synapses: Listen, you, I know what I'm doing. 12 years of driving experience talking.
New, pip squeek Thai driving synapses: NO! 0 days in Thailand, you fool! Get in the left lane!
Old, seasoned authoritative driving synapses: Oh shit you're right! Abort turn, just go straight!
New, pip squeek Thai driving synapses: You're going straight, but still into the right lane you idjeeut!
Old, seasoned authoritative driving synapses: Screw this, I'm out of here. (Enter Jessica Rabbit into stream of consciousness.)
SCREECH! SLIDE! SCRAPE!
No major bones broken. Legs still intact. OK I think I'm alright. Just a minor scratch on my toe and a loose side mirror. Confidence...drained. Ego...shrunk. People I know in the city...0. No witnesses to tell my friends.
OK, back at it then. Left lane, moron. Left lane.
So after the little incident at a major intersection in Chiang Mai, I took a little more time getting used to the new force between my legs. Never a bad thing. And, after several somewhat shaky but incident-free turns, I made my way out of town.
Anyway, we decided to go north to Chiang at the time we did to participate in the Loi Krathong Festival. The quick rundown of the festival is: We all have bad emotions that manifest themselves inside of us as demons. These demons need to be let out, but only inspecific ways or else it will be bad for us and everybody else. (See:Sarah Palin) Apparently demons abhor pretty flowers wrapped in incensed banana leaves. Can't stand em. Hate them so much, in fact,that when one lets one of these silver bullets go in the river, the demons fly out of you with such abandon that you enter a state of purifying bliss. And you get to clog up the river with banana leaves at the same time! Win, Win!
Chiang Mai's festival is also famous for releasing wire-framed cylindrical paper lamps. Its simple: Take a kerosene coil, attach it to aforementioned lamp. Light the coil, wait for the noxious gas to build up inside the lamp until it becomes airborne, and Poof! You've got a beautiful, glowing, flying environmental hazard! How magical! But wait, where does that fireball land? Not here, you say? Goodenough for me!
Oh I wish we could do this five nights in a row, and throw in fireworks for good measure? Wait, you've not only got fireworks, but noisemakers? Ok, I've 'heard' those dinky things they sell in the States called 'noisemakers'. I want real, loud, "I think the hotel's been bombed at 4 am" noisemakers. You've got those too? Great, I'll take a gross. But wait one more goddamned second, surely there have to be legal restrictions. Noise ordinances, disturbing the peace, etc.
Oh, they've been lifted for the festival, and the boys in blue have been seen setting off fireworks on duty? Bingo Bango Bongo I love this town.
I'm really not that cynical about the Loi Krathong Festival. It was magical and romantic for Meghan and I. We had a blast. However, we did run into a landed lamp about 50Km away on our elephant trek a few days later. No doubt there were a few animal casualties caused by all of that magic.
Meghan got a head cold after about 5 days in Chiang Mai, so we had to postpone our trip to the Buddhist farm. So, with Meghan tucked into bed watching a dubbed 17 Again, I went off looking for some trouble. Look no further than the moped rental agency, young man. I'd never ridden a moped or motorbike in real life, but kicked butt in MotoCross on Nintendo, and that chick from Miami was always riding that thing all over campus in college. How hard could it be? I'd soon find out. It went something like this:
Me: How much for a moto for the day?
Lady: 100 Baht (3 bucks)
Me: OK
Lady: You ride before?
Me: Never.
Lady: Here go (revs throttle)
Here stop (squeezes brake)
Here start (points to key)
OK bye bye
And off I go onto the busiest street in the city. By busy, I mean no traffic lights, no stop signs, no land dividers, cars, trucks, buses, tuk tuks (big motorized tricycles with seats on the back two wheels),motos, and pedestrians and vying for about 2 lanes worth of space. But hey, at least its a boulevard.
OK, OK, I can do this. I drive my 50cc a few blocks, holding my sliver of the road, getting dirty looks from tuk tuks and getting passed by small children on more powerful engines, but hey, I'm really doin' it! OK OK but don't get too over-confident, Matt. Let's try to take some turns at an intersection. So I pull off on a side street and arrive at a 4-way stop.
OK, right turn. Easy enough.
As I make the turn I actually have a detached view of my synapses arguing:
Old, seasoned authoritative driving synapses: Right turn into right lane.
New, pip squeek Thai driving synapses: No, left lane in Thailand, dummy!
Old, seasoned authoritative driving synapses: Listen, you, I know what I'm doing. 12 years of driving experience talking.
New, pip squeek Thai driving synapses: NO! 0 days in Thailand, you fool! Get in the left lane!
Old, seasoned authoritative driving synapses: Oh shit you're right! Abort turn, just go straight!
New, pip squeek Thai driving synapses: You're going straight, but still into the right lane you idjeeut!
Old, seasoned authoritative driving synapses: Screw this, I'm out of here. (Enter Jessica Rabbit into stream of consciousness.)
SCREECH! SLIDE! SCRAPE!
No major bones broken. Legs still intact. OK I think I'm alright. Just a minor scratch on my toe and a loose side mirror. Confidence...drained. Ego...shrunk. People I know in the city...0. No witnesses to tell my friends.
OK, back at it then. Left lane, moron. Left lane.
So after the little incident at a major intersection in Chiang Mai, I took a little more time getting used to the new force between my legs. Never a bad thing. And, after several somewhat shaky but incident-free turns, I made my way out of town.
